Will Shaw pitch thread

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:03 am

Wshaw15 wrote:: January 15,

Thank you headphones for not letting me listen to music because youre tangled all the time

J15

Very close to being a strong entry, could use a tweak to give the punchline a little more impact.

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JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

January 22

for a psa I was thinking we could do something where bertone and I are working at the rams den and someone comes in and asks for the most simplest thing and then bertone and I go on and on about the product they want and act like we know everything about what they want and then in the end we cant even find what they want in the store.

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:09 am

Wshaw15 wrote:: January 17,

So for a psa I was thinking bertone and I could start talking about prom and how bertone is to scared to ask this girl. And then I do some training with him to help him build up his courage and he then finally asks the girl and she ends up saying no

J20

Tons of potential here, but details need to be right to ensure the highest possible ceiling.

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Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Thu Jan 22, 2015 12:10 am

Wshaw15 wrote:: January 22

for a psa I was thinking we could do something where bertone and I are working at the rams den and someone comes in and asks for the most simplest thing and then bertone and I go on and on about the product they want and act like we know everything about what they want and then in the end we cant even find what they want in the store.

J22

Needs to be done right, but could have potential. End tagline might need to be something like, "Come to Rams Den. Because these guys don't really work there." Or something like that.

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JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

January 26

Thank you cauliflower for being the slim shadys of broccoli

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Fri Jan 30, 2015 12:12 am

Wshaw15 wrote:: January 26

Thank you cauliflower for being the slim shadys of broccoli

J26

Next level. Well done.

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JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

January 30

For a psa I was thinking one day we wont be able to find bertone one class and we are looking all over school for him asking everyone where he is. And we end up not finding him and in my next class I look out the window and I see him sleeding by himself outside

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Fri Jan 30, 2015 1:48 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: January 30

For a psa I was thinking one day we wont be able to find bertone one class and we are looking all over school for him asking everyone where he is. And we end up not finding him and in my next class I look out the window and I see him sleeding by himself outside

J30

This could be developed into something with more potential, but as it's currently pitched, the ceiling of the laugh here doesn't feel all that high. So it needs significant further discussion at the very least to try and develop specific elements that can inject more humor into the bit.

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JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

FFebruary 4

Thank you soft bristled toothbrushes for actually being the roughest thing ive ever felt.

JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

February 10,

So for a Psa I was thinking that one day maybe me jeff and nevin are sitting at lunch and we see a lunch lady. We would be like "uh oh here comes Mrs.(a lunch lady at our school). You know how she gets around lunch time. And she walks over to our table and it is actually bertone with the blonde wig on. And he is all mean and he could go "More sloppy joes. I made them extra sloppy" like they say in Billy madison. Then we could have Nevin go "quit it lady youre scaring us". Then Jeff will go "here mrs.(a lunch lady at our school) have a snickers you get a little weird when youre hungry" Then we look back and it will be the actual lunch lady at our school.

JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

February 13

Thank you accordion Folders for doing everything but keeping me organized

JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

February 24

Thank you carrots for not actually helping me see better

JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

March 2

Thank you aspen for doing everything but tell me my grades

JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

March 4

So i was thinking for a psa we could do something Were bertone is about to miss the bus cause he has to do something and he runs into a bunch of obstacles and he ends up not making the bus.

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:07 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: FFebruary 4

Thank you soft bristled toothbrushes for actually being the roughest thing ive ever felt.

F5

Back end needs work on this one.

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Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:08 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: February 10,

So for a Psa I was thinking that one day maybe me jeff and nevin are sitting at lunch and we see a lunch lady. We would be like "uh oh here comes Mrs.(a lunch lady at our school). You know how she gets around lunch time. And she walks over to our table and it is actually bertone with the blonde wig on. And he is all mean and he could go "More sloppy joes. I made them extra sloppy" like they say in Billy madison. Then we could have Nevin go "quit it lady youre scaring us". Then Jeff will go "here mrs.(a lunch lady at our school) have a snickers you get a little weird when youre hungry" Then we look back and it will be the actual lunch lady at our school.

F11

Solid potential. Snickers commercials have been done, but they're consistently funny if they're executed well.

10

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:09 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: February 13

Thank you accordion Folders for doing everything but keeping me organized

F13

Somehow needs more to it. It's not clear why you're not organized because of the folder, so it's somewhat ambiguous as written.

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Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:11 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: February 24

Thank you carrots for not actually helping me see better

F24

The punchline end of this is lacking an effective impact. It seems that you're getting in a rut of focusing on what something DOESN'T do rather than making a funny observation/comment about what it DOES do, which is likely to be far funnier.

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Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:12 pm

F26: 0

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:13 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: March 2

Thank you aspen for doing everything but tell me my grades

M2

See note for F24. Way funnier to comment on something Aspen DOES do than what it does not.

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Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Wed Mar 04, 2015 4:14 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: March 4

So i was thinking for a psa we could do something Were bertone is about to miss the bus cause he has to do something and he runs into a bunch of obstacles and he ends up not making the bus.

M4

Ok, I suppose. I mean this COULD be funny, but the pitch is waaaaaaaay short on the specifics of identifying what would happen in detail to make the stort/narrative effective as a video presentation. So the pitch needs to go further.

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JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

March 6

Thank you tomatoes For never being clear if your a fruit or a vegetable

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Sun Mar 08, 2015 8:17 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: March 6

Thank you tomatoes For never being clear if your a fruit or a vegetable

M6

Headed in a decent direction, but needs more added to the back end to make it work ideally.

10

JV Starter Posts : 41 Join date : 2014-09-09

March 10

Thank you coffee for making me a totally different person than i really am

Subject: Re: Will Shaw pitch thread Tue Mar 10, 2015 1:14 pm

Wshaw15 wrote:: March 10

Thank you coffee for making me a totally different person than i really am

M10

I like where you're headed here, though the punchline needs more impact (likely via a more specific take on the back end).

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